I haven't written a blog entry for months! I find that usually writing comes more naturally when I am in a state of flux, uncertainty, sadness, or other somewhat negative emotion. When I am feeling things intensely, I write. When I am scared, I write. When I am sad, I write. The past few months for me have been great. The challenges I face as a single, and now sometimes part-time mother have begun to normalize. My children, while still having moments of difficulty, have begun to get used to and accept their new situation. I've been enjoying time with someone I feel very fortunate to know and have a relationship with. In all, since my last post, I've been feeling pretty good.
That doesn't mean it's been perfect. There is a buildup of anticipation and at times, frustration with where I live and what I do. I'm moving back to the city I grew up in this summer, and knowing that a whole lifetime where I live now is shortly coming to an end, and that I'm starting over basically from scratch, is an exciting, and somewhat frightening prospect! Have you ever been scared and ecstatic all at the same time? I know that I'm supposed to be there. The people I spend my time with are there. My family is there. My future career, as uncertain as that path is, is all there.
The thing that makes me most terrified is the career thing. I've been out of teaching for quite some time, or at least, almost 4 years feels like a long time to me. I want to get back to it, but I know that likely means taking subbing jobs, which aren't really what I want. At this point though, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get myself moved and working to feed and house my family. In my profession, as in most, one must pay their dues and make themselves known. I am just so impatient! I have been in the same place so long, I just want it all to come to me immediately, you know? But this feeling, although bringing much frustration, also brings with it a great deal of drive and ambition. I know what I want and where I want to be, it's just a matter of putting it all into place. Day by day, I move closer to my goal and interrupted career, and it's pretty exciting! It's also terrifying! What if I can't find a job? What if I find that I'm not good at it? What if, what if, what if...?
The thing to do with these negative thoughts is just not to believe my own head when it tries to discourage me. I really don't need discouragement from others; I've got that covered all by myself! It's a really good thing I'm smarter than those thoughts! I know how it feels when I'm in a classroom. It feels right and good, and I know I'm good at it. Once upon a time, I was incredibly passionate about teaching, and I feel it starting to bubble up in me again. I get excited by the thought of tearing apart a great story, and inspiring kids to write. It will feel great to be doing what I'm trained to do, I know it. This is something I have to keep telling myself; almost like a mantra. I am good at this. I am trained to do this. I want to do this. I have put a great deal of time and energy into preparing myself for this career. I need to do this.
So, even though I feel scared, uncertain and a lot of other emotions, most of all I feel excited. I just want to get there already, and start living the life I see laid before me! This waiting business is tough, but I also know that it's worth it. I've appreciated my time of working at home, and being here for my girls. Now I am ready to move forward with all things.
