A Role Redifined

We all go through life asking ourselves the question: Who am I?  We define ourselves according to the roles we play in every stage, and although I have struggled and fought to maintain my own identity through each stage of my life, I find that I am not immune to this.  I have two daughters, and my primary role for the past seven years (nearly eight) has been that of mother.  For the rest of my life, a very large part of myself will be mother.  As my children grow older, they need me differently, but I know they will always need me.

In my life right now, my role as mother is changing.  I am currently in the midst of a separation/divorce, and my ex-husband has insisted on shared custody of our children.  As it is at the moment, our girls live half the time with me and half the time with him.  This has left a gigantic space in my life, where for two weeks out of the month, I am not primarily mother.  I find myself struggling with what I am supposed to do with this.  How do I go from being responsible for my daughters all the time to having long stretches where I only need to worry about myself?  I'm not sure. 

Some weeks when my girls are gone are productive.  Some weeks are dark.  I find it very difficult to be without them.  I'd like to say it gets easier with time, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  I've been working hard to find things I can do when they aren't here, for example, I am taking my TEFL course so I can be qualified to teach ESL.  I find that when I am feeling sad, and ready to slip into something akin to depression, I must throw myself into something productive.  I have to use my brain and intellect, and so this course comes at the perfect time.  Other things I have been doing are purging my home of junk I have collected over the years, working on how I might reduce my debt, reading books, and connecting with people I care about.  All these things are helpful, but at the end of the day, I have to walk past my kids' empty bedroom and remember that they are not with me.  Redefining myself every other week is terribly difficult.

With all of my difficulties at this point in life, one thing I can hold on to is that I am very happy with the direction I am going.  I have a new found focus on where I want my life to go.  I have realistic and reachable goals.  I am excited about what my future holds.  This is something I haven't felt for a very long time.  The promise of fulfillment and happiness is where I must put my focus, and each day, I try to do something that will get me closer to my goals.  It's about practical, realistic steps; putting action to my dreams.  It's a wonderful thing to have dreams, aspirations, goals and desires, but they don't just magically come to us.  Action is required, and a small action is better than none. 

My counselor told me that something I need to do is find one thing in my life that can keep me grounded, so I don't get overwhelmed by my circumstances; something to help me see and hold on to the bigger picture.  This can be a person, a thing I do, a place I go.  Right now, I think it's my goals, and the steps I am taking to attain them.  They help me maintain focus on what is important.

No matter if my daughters are with me full time or part time, I never cease being their mother, and that is another thing I need to remind myself of.  While in the weeks they are gone I have very little to do for them, it doesn't mean I am not what I have always been for them.  It is just not in such a physical capacity. 

And so, I adjust.  The sun still rises and sets, and life continues on.  I move with it.

Breast Cancer Awareness in my Own Life

On December 5th, I am getting tested for the cancer gene.  In my last checkup, my doctor recommended this testing, as I have had my mother and my aunt, her sister, pass away from cancer in their late thirties and early forties respectively.  I am 31.  The death of my mom weighed heavily on my mind as I entered my thirties, because her life was a mere 38 years.  Because of these losses, I know I have to be vigilant against this disease, and I've decided to go ahead and take the genetic screening.  If I am predisposed to breast cancer, I want to know.  Knowledge is power, as they say.

While I'll be happy to know either way, and make changes in my life accordingly, the idea of getting a glimpse into my fate is a little bit daunting.  Will I be upset if the result is that I do, in fact, carry the gene?  I'm guessing yes, but I feel like this is something I need to know.  But knowing means I will be very, very diligent with my check-ups, have yearly mammograms and MRIs, and take care of my overall health with a heightened sense of urgency.  Any steps I can take to prevent cancer will be taken.  I will not leave my two daughters with no mother.  That is something I just can't do.

And that's another reason I need to know.  If I carry the gene, my daughters are at higher risk as well.  This isn't just about me, it's about making sure they are living their best and healthiest lives too.  It's a scary thought, just for myself, but I have to make sure my children are fully aware of their own health risks.

If my answer is no, then I don't think I'll be any less vigilant in my health.  I have more than myself to live for.  I feel like I've only just started living sometimes; my life feels as though it has been very short thus far.  I want a long life, as do most other people, and one key to that is making sure I know everything I need to, and treating my body and mind well.

So, I'm a little scared of what my answer will be, but I'm more determined to know; determined to live, healthily and happily.  I'm determined not to let disease, or the prospect of it, get in my way.  Breast cancer is a killer.  I'm going to do everything can to make sure I'm not on its list.

Welcome to My New Journey

I've retired my old blog, Searching for Balance in lou of a new journey I am on in my life.  In this, I want to be as honest as a public forum will allow, while keeping certain aspects of my life discreet and protected.  I'm hoping this can be a place for me to recount my experiences, feelings, struggles, and victories, while doing what I love best:  writing.  I hope any of my readers will take from this very public exploration of my life a sense of hope, a sense that we are not alone, and maybe even a little bit of inspiration.  Life is hard, and we need to take it all in stride.  For me, dealing with my hardships is best done through writing. 

Enjoy.